Kankuro Discovers FanFictions
by Awaii-Mom
Summary: Kankuro's bored, so what does he do. He goes to Temari's room, and gets on her computer, only to find a 'FanFic' site. So he begins to read them. Sorry if the summary sucks, just please read and review. Mentions of TemaXShika
1. Lemony Fresh

**Kankuro Discovers FanFiction's**

**A/N: Hey! Awaii here! Its almost 5am and guess what…I.CANT.SLEEP! So, I'm going to write this. Why you ask? Cause I LOVE Kankuro, and there isn't enough fic's on him. Sorry everyone, but this is strictly Kankuro!**

**So, lets get started. And before you go on about 'you didn't do a disclaimer'. I'm gonna do one now. If you think I won Naruto or anything that has to do with it, then your dumber than my kitten-whom chases a laser, and tries to climb up walls. If I did own Naruto, it wouldn't be called "Naruto" it would be called "Sand Siblings" and Naruto would NOT be wearing ORANGE!**

**Now, on with my story!**

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**Chapter 1: Lemony Fresh**

Temari's run off with that lazy ass Kohona chum, Gaara's off doing '_Kage Work' _and I'm stuck here…at the house, alone and bored out of my mind! Normally I'd go and train, but today had to be one of those rare days that it decided to rain! Meaning, I cant train!!

So, me being the '_wonderful_' brother I am, I walked into Temari's room, only to find nothing! Shouldn't she have a diary or something? That's what girls have…right? All Temari has are scroll, mini-fans, and a comp--Wait! When and How'd Temari get a computer? And where the hell's the hook ups for it?

Sighing, I walked over to her desk, sat don in her-not so comfy-chair, and began to look through her stuff on the computer. Of course, I find nothing I could use against her. Damn, where's she keep all her dark sec-wait. What's this? I moved the mouse on something called, '_Fanfics_'. Well, what the hell's that?

After waiting for the page to load, I began scrolling down. And guess what I found-a bunch of stories, about people-who I think I've met before. A few I know I've not met, like this '_Haku_' or '_Zabuza_' guy. Who the hell are they?

Curiosity getting the best of me, I clicked on a story about Gaara and Naruto. Cant be too bad? Right. The two of them are pretty good friends. And it's got fruit in it. Though I personally prefer grapes instead of lemons. But oh well…its their choice.

AHHH! MY EYES!! quickly hitting the back button. W-What the HELL…it cant be real! Gaara defiantly not! Naruto maybe. I'm defiantly gonna have to have a talk with that orange obsessed baka! And tell him to stay the hell away from my baby brother! No way in **hell** will I allow such…such action to accrue under my watch!

I quickly shook my head, to erase all disturbing images from my mind. Alright, lets find something else…

As my dark eyes scanned threw the stories, they stopped on one; it has something to do with '_Sandcest'_. Raising an eyebrow, I began to wonder what the hell '_Sandcest'_ was. Hopefully it cant be a bad as the last story….right?

I began to read the first few chapters, thinking this isn't be that bad. Actually a good brother bonding story-that was until I got to the chapter labeled, '_A New Level! The Sandcest Begins!'_ I read the first few paragraphs, and nearly fell over dead! So **that's** what '_Sandcest'_ means. That's worse than the fruity story! We are brothers you sick bastard! There are **many** things wrong with this story!

First off, I.Like.Girls! And even if I did like guys-which I DON'T-I would **not** go after **My Own Fucking Brother!** Second thing wrong with the story, Gaara hasn't slept in…well, forever. Sure Shukaku has been removed from his body, but that doesn't mean he's gonna sleep. He just meditates when he's tired. Then he's ready to go again. The third thing wrong with that story is, Gaara does NOT wear footie pajamas with panda's on them! Fourth, I would **not** have those kind of thoughts about Gaara if I was trying to get him to sleep. I'd tell him to drink some warm milk, and wa-la you magically get tired.

Clicking the back button once again, I began to look for more stories. Praying to Kami-or whoever's running things up there-to not let me run into anymore Lemony Sandcest stories.

While looking through the other stories, I kept seeing the word '_Mpreg'_. And one question ran through my mind, can ya guess what is it? What's '_Mpreg'_? I obviously don't want to read anything else like the last two stories! That's for sure! So-me being the smart guy I am-I decide to look up the word '_Mpreg'_ on Ask .com (remove the spaces)

The definition I find is: Well actually…there isn't one. Well, that was helpful…not! That's not even a definition, that's just a bunch of gibberish! So once again, curiosity gets the best of me.

This time the story was about that dog kid; Inuzuka Kiba, and one of this teammates, that guy with the bugs that I fought during the time of Suna and Kohona's fight; Aburame Shino.

Reading through it a little, I began to think there was nothing wrong with '_Mpreg_'. But boy was I wrong! I was-once again-dead ass wrong!

My eyes nearly bulged out of my head. This had to be the most ridiculous thing ever! I'm no Medical Ninja, but I'm pretty sure-no scratch that, I'm positive guys cant get pregnant! That's the girls job! It is physically impossible for the male to have a baby! There is NO where for the baby to come out of! Lets just say we don't have the '_equipment_' for it.

Stupid! Stupid! Stu-well, what do we have here? A sly grin appeared on my painted face as I began to read the short summary, which read;

_Shikamaru and a certain blonde have been great friends for a long time. Could it be more? Or are they just reading into things that aren't there._

Looks like Temari's boyfriend has some stories of his own on here. Lets see, no Lemon, check. No Sandcest, check! And defiantly no-and I repeat **no** Mpreg, check! Looks like I can read this one. Who knows, maybe I'll get some dirt on the lazy ass, so I can use it on him.

Clicking on the link, I noticed that the '_certain blonde'_ is **not** Temari, but that skinny blonde on Nara's team…what was her name? Ino Something. Quickly shrugging it off, I began reading.

I got through the first paragraph, glared at the screen, slamming my fist on the desk. I was mad-no not mad, **pissed**! Who the **hell** does that cheating bastard think he is? He **will** die! Quickly, I stood leaving Temari's room, in search for her -soon to be dead- boyfriend! He will **not **get away with dating my sister AND Ino at the same time!!

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-**End of Chapter. Well, what'd you think? Should I write more? Or give up my hopes and dreams as a writer? If I get more than 5 reviews then I'll write a second chapter, but if I don't, then this will be my shortest One-shot. **

**Okay, for those who don't know much about Fanfics. I'm gonna give you a heads up about what a few things are. Lemon usually has VERY mature content in it, is has NOTHING to do with fruits! Trust me, I learned that the hard way. My first and LAST lemon story I EVER read.**

**Sandcest is when someone makes a couple out of the Sand Siblings. Its very disturbing. At least to me it is…cause that would be like me dating my brother, and trust me that is NOT a good thing.**

**And last is Mpreg-which is basically a guy getting pregnant. I've got one question, what the HELL was going through a person's mind when they write a Mpreg story? Don't you guys realize GUYS CANT HAVE BABIES! **

**Whelp, anyways that's all for this chapter. Leave me lots of reviews and I'll write another chapter. Leave me none and you don't get another chapter. That easy. -**


	2. AU Love

**Kankuro Discovers FanFiction's**

**AN: I'd like to thank EVERYONE who reviewed! You guys rock! You all get a cookie! Just walk into your kitchen and grab one. I NEVER thought I'd get 5reviews the same day I wrote this story. You guys didn't give me much time to think about this-for I'm writing this as I go. **

**Disclaimer: I own Naruto! HA! What are you gonna do about it? HUH?! Notta!-Er, alright, I don't own Naruto, but a girl can dream cant she?**

**Chapter 2: A.U. Love**

I've been looking through these damn stories since I got back from kicking Nara's cheating ass! And you know what I've noticed, I hardly have any stories where I'm the main character. And if I am in the story, I'm some freaken pervert.

There was one I was reading, and it was about-once again-my brother dying. First off, what the **hell **is wrong with you people killing off my brother? It wasn't bad enough that Gaara actually died once-thankfully brought back by Granny Chiyo-but you psycho's want him to stay dead? That's just…disgusting! Anyways, back to what I was talking about, in the story I was doing nothing by flirting with anything and all girls. I wouldn't do that, I'd grieve for my brother, he's fucking family!

Anyways, here I am now, looking through these damn stories again. One would think I learned from the last horrifying stories I read. But damn it, I wanna see what else you guys write. So as I'm scanning through the stories, I find one that says '_Yoai'_. Should I know what that is? Well, whatever it is, its got me and Kiba in it…

Before I even **thought** about clicking on the story. I reach through the summary to make sure the words; Lemon, Sandcest, and Mpreg were not there. Thank Kami none of those words were listed. I was in the clear so far. So I clicked on the link and began reading the story.

A little annoyed with the person I'm stuck with in the story, I scanned through some of the words.-Don't get me wrong, dog breath and I are friends, but that doesn't mean I wanna be stuck with him on a damn mission.- My eyes stopped on what I _thought_ to be a fight scene;

_Kankuro allowed the corner of his mouth to curve up as he looked at the brown haired male standing in front of him. The puppeteer stood, and walked towards the dog lover. Without saying a word to the Inuzuka, he shoved him against the tree behind him, their bodies together, and he began-_

What the **hell**?! I quickly exited that story. Don't you people leave warnings? I could of died reading that! Me and….and him?! Now I know something's defiantly wrong with these stories.

Shaking my head, I scrolled through more stories, until I came upon a story with the initials, '_A.U._' in it. Well that could mean many things. But knowing you sicko's its probably something extremely disturbing, that could send me in a coma for the rest of my life. So what do I do? I click on the story to read it, only to see that I have no fucking idea what's going on it this story.

When the hell'd Kohona get a '_High School_'? Is that like where they teach the ANBU? And why would Temari and Gaara be going to it? And what the hell aren't I in it? Am I not as fun to write as my other siblings? Actually I've got a few questions about this story. Why's Gaara wearing glasses and acting…how should I put this…acting like a nerd? First off, Gaara doesn't wear glasses, and-from the many other stories I've read-those black rings around his eyes are **not** eyeliner. They are due to over 10 years of no sleep! So stop fucking saying its eyeliner. Another question I've got, how come the Akatsuki-a group of rouge Ninja's-are at this _'High School'_? I know that, that pink haired girl and Granny Chiyo killed Sasori, and that Uchiha kid killed his brother…so how's it they can be in the story and not me? I'm still fucking kicking! What? A dead guy more interesting then I am? I'd hope not. If they are then you've got some serious problems, and you need help. Wanting to play with the dead…fucking freaks.

Well after finally getting through a Lemon/Sandcest/Mpreg/Yoai-free story, I still have no clue what an '_A.U."_ story is. So I searched for more, but kinda got side-tracked when I say a story that has to do with Temari and Shikamaru. Heh! Hello dirt! Now I can finally find something to use against the two when I feel like it. First, lets see what the summary says;

'_Temari's got a secret that she's been keeping from Shikamaru. She wants to tell him, but at the same time she doesn't want to ruin his life. Will she tell him? And if she does, will she lose him forever?'_

Sweet! I hit the jackpot with this one. Its Temari's secret! And she hasn't told Nara yet-Wait! Could this really be it? Be the one thing I've been looking for this whole time! Did Temari write this? Man I think I've just died and went to heaven-Or wherever it is you go when you die-. Unless…this is a trick and Temari knew that I'd look through her stuff, meaning this might not be real.-Or! She knew I would think that, and that I wouldn't want to read it, so then she really did write it and it be the truth! So this has to be real! Temari has created a fake name and posted this story up! So its like her secret diary, but in the open.

Nice try Temari, but I'm not that dumb! I'm gonna read your diary! And use this against you for as long as we both live. You underestimated me sister, and that is were you went wrong! With a big smile on my face, I clicked on the "story" and began reading it;

_The wind mistress sat on the hill top, looking up at the starry night thinking to herself, 'how the hell'd this happen?' sighing she laid back on the cool grass. One hand behind her head, while the other rest over her stomach, "how could we of been so stupid? We're fucking Shinobi! We're suppose to be smarter than this." She then let out a small yelp, sat up, and wrapped both hands around her-slightly-swollen stomach, "I'm sorry, mommy shouldn't cuss around you"-_

And what was when my smile faded. Oh Kami please tell me this is some prank. I sat there for a second thinking. She has been more bitchy lately and tired, and kinda sick. The flu my ass!

Once again, I stood and raced out of the house to speak with Temari. I had questions, and she was the only person with the answers! Also, I'm gonna have to point out that she's gonna need to find a new place to hide her secrets. Anyone could access these and use them against her-just as I'm gonna do!

-**30 minutes later-**

I limped back in the house. A fat lip, 2 black eyes, swollen cheek, several bumps on my head, bloody nose, practically broken arms and legs, and most likely a few broken ribs.

Note to Self: The stuff on FanFic is NOT-I repeat, NOT real! Temari is defiantly not pregnant!

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**-End of Chapter. Another short one, but deal with it. These chapters-if I write more-wont be that long. Hope you guys liked this one. It was very much fun to write! Oh! And guess what, its my birthday! Yea! -throws confetti-! Okay, enough of that. I wont be updating this story tomorrow. I'm gonna try to write my "Sand Parents" story. I haven't updated that story in forever. And a lot of people liked that story! Also I'll be babysitting my baby cousin, so I can use him to help with my story. Alright, that's all for now. Please review. At least 5 more reviews and I'll start another chapter. Though I might have to start making them of him just ranting…cause I'm running out of funny fanfics things. Whelp, bye till then-**


	3. CrossOvers and Character Deaths

**Holy cow! how long has it been? 3 years? REALLY sorry guys, life has been..well like life, and I honestly didnt think I'd ever write anymore with this story. But for some reason I'm her now, writing this for you guys, so you better enjoy! lol. Might not be as funny as the last, but its still got some funny moments in it. I'd love to hear what you guys say, all I have to do is say Please PLEASE ignore any and all spelling errors you see in this story. I'm just too damn tired to fix them. kay? Now, enjoy the story and please review!**

So after last months mix up, I decided I needed a break from these "fanfic's", 'more like my body needed a break from them, I cant keep getting my ass handed to me after reading every one of these stories'. No matter how much I tell myself these fanfic's arent real, I cant help but get pissed off every time I read something saying my sister (or brother for that matter) are pregnant, I just want to punch the ass hole who did that to them, but its not easy when said person can use your own shadows against you.

I just have one thing to say about Nara, "That guy is a pervert!" Seriously! If he's not with my sister, then he's with that other blond, or my brother...really? According to these stories, Nara's been with everyone in Leaf, including lady hokage-really dude? really? along with my brother and my sister, if not one then all at the same time..how he does it, I'm not sure, but that guy is a genious...right?

Anyways, all that put aside, I decided that someone else needed to read these stories with me, and since he was already here on a mission, I figured who else to read these with other than dog boy-now i know what you're thinking, 'You said you didnt like guys like that, Kankuro! you said you only want to be with girls!'. we'll your right, but that doesnt mean I cant be friends, or comrades with another guy. So this is not something for you to over thing, got that? good!

Now, as I was saying, I told dog boy about these sotries, and he said he wanted to read them also, or atleast see what the hell I was talking about, sinc ehe didnt believe half of what I was saying. All he could say was, 'thats not even possible!' and 'are they all crazy?'. So now here we are, sneaking back in my abusive sisters room, not as easy as last time I might add, but still made our way in there. Proud to say we only had a few scraps and only one broken bone, but still in her room!

"Alright Kankuro, where are the stories you were talking about?" Kiba asked watching as Temari's computer booted up.

"You'll see. But I have to say one thing, anything with the words "sandcest, lemon, au, or mpreg" we are not, and I repeat NOT reading it." I demanded, moving the mouse to the large blue E on her screen, ignoring the wallpaper on her desktop. "Those are 4 things I've learned to avoid when browsing through these things."

As I suspected Inuzuka looked at me as though I was crazy, "Lemon? Seriously? You're afraid of a fruit?"

"Its a long, yet short story. Just trust me on this one, your not going to want to read it" I assured him, bringing up the page I was looking for.

After scrolling through a few story summaries, I stopped at one of the summaries;  
'I dont own anything' was all it said, nothing else. I knew right away this one had to have a catch to it, nothing was that simple. Obviously this person didn't own any of us, last I checked I didnt have a master, and I wasnt a slave.

"What're you waiting for! Click on it, so we can read it already!" Kiba shouted, getting impatient.

Just as I was about to scroll through more stories, that little bastard decided to click on the story, then grinned, as he began to read the story. I on the other hand, did NOT want to read this one, I had no intentions of reading some fucked up story. That didn't mean I didn't want to see the look on dog boys face when he read something even close to what I'd read. Sure it had been a month since I last read something, but the things I've read you just cant forget...no matter how many times you try. And trust me, I've tried alot. I've even sunk so low that I went to talk to this lady who ended up just writing on this scroll while I was trying to explain things to her. Greedy Bitch...thats all I got to say about her.

Anyways! The look on Kiba's face wasn't exactly what I was expecting, he didnt look disgusted, or mordified. No, he just looked confused, honestly confused as his eyes kept scrolling through the words, reading each sentence, almost like he was trying to make sense of a secret code that only the smartest person could figure out. After what seemed like an hour, he looked at me, an eyebrow raised, and asked, "Who the hell is Edward Elric, and what's 'Alchemy?'"

Once again, letting curiosity getting the best of me, I quickly turned my attention to the screen, and began reading, slowly figuring out why dog boy was so confused. Something in this story didn't make any sense-scratch that, everything in this story didnt make sense. At first, it wasnt that bad, just a regular day in Leaf, of course I was no where in site, but my sister was, and she was with-none other than the laziest ninja in the 5 great nations-Nara, both sitting on a hill, looking up at the clouds, until the sky went dark, the clouds turning read and then out of no where there was lightning that struck not far from where they sat, leaving behind a large dent in the earth and two figures lying in it.

Now first off, thats not even possible, if you get hit, or are even close to lightning then I highly doubt that you wouldnt have a single scratch on your body, or even be consious.

Puttng that aside, I contiuned to read on, suddenlly becoming more and more confused, one of the figured said his name was Edward Elric, and that he was searching for some rock, the the other, which clearly was NOT human, began to talk. This along would make even Nara confused, last I checked large trash cans couldn't talk, right? Well, the tincan said its name was Alphonse Elric, okay so the two had the same last name, thats not completely uncommon, but it wasnt that simple, it never is. The story continued with the two explaining who they were, and asking where they were now, except they didn't ask "where" they were, they asked "When" they were. Really?

As the two of us sat there in complete and utter silence, we got to the end of the chapter, then read what was labled as; "AN" which went on stating that this was its first try at a 'cross-over', but didn't even bother to explain what it was. Seriously, do none of these people believe in explinations! Sure no one was doing fruity things, and no one was pregnant, so to be fair this was a pretty tame story.

Shaking our heads, we decided we would read atleast one more chapter-BIG MISTAKE.

The story just got more confusing, all these random people started showing up in the story. Sure I finally appeared in the story, but only to be killed by some over-weighed mindless baffoon, who was able to outsmart me...ME of all people? I'm not some idiot who would go and just walk up to some stranger, and just stand there as it attacked me. I was seriously begginning to thing that these people didn't like me at all, as a matter of fact I think they liked seeing me in pain, why else would they write about my death, and go to ever little detail. From when the creatures teeth sank into my side, to the last piece of flesh he ate off my bones. Just thinking about it gave me the chills!

I was about to say something, when the cold metal of a Kunai was pressed against my throat.

"you're...dead!" Kiba shouted, pressing the kunai even deeper against my neck, drawing a strand of blood, "how did you survive that? it...ate you! How do I even know you're the you you're saying you are!"

Clearly the dog boy had read enough of this story to believe that I was really dead, but...I wasnt. I was sitting right here, live and deffitntly kicking-well not at this very moment, but I was alive.

"Idiot! These things aren't real! Only a real fool would believe them" I wasn't about to bring up the fact that I was in his position not long ago.

Kiba was about to shout something else, until there was a loud bang heard from the other side of the room, causing both Kiba and myself to look towards the noise, wanting to know what the cause was.

"What the FUCK are you two doing in MY room?"

'_shit!, we're dead_!' I thought, remembering exactly what my sister said when I told her why I thought she was pregnant.

**-FLASHBACK-**

_"You take ONE more step in my room, and it WILL be the end of you!" Temari shouted, hitting me with her over sized fan once again, making sure her threat was heard, "Got that?"_

_I wasnt able to respond, due to the fact that I was in so much pain. The only thing I could do was nod slowly, then everything went black for me, and that was that._

**-END OF FLASHBACK-**

This ended just the same way that did, except I wasnt the only one who ended up in pain and blacking out, all I have to say is, I do believe this will be the last, and I mean last time dog boy ever volenteered to come over and read a fanfic with me...Could I blame him? Not really, but was that going to stop me? Sadly, not.

**AN: I got this idea from one of the reviewers of this story, so thanks! You rock for the idea, you know who you are! **


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